I think it was fate that we met.

I wasn't supposed to be listed under a directory, but inheriting a URL meant that I was. If I hadn't moved, we'd have never crossed paths. If I hadn't been bold, we'd have never spoken. If I had been more shy, our friendship never would have never happened.

It was a mistake, but honestly, I think it was destiny.

I have an intense jealousy of those who have a positive relationship with their mothers.

When I hear the word, all that stirs inside me is resentment.

I don't actually like that. I wish it were different.

But it isn't, and it probably won't be.

augh okay so i'm not really good at this personal journal thing anymore i guess. it's really fucking tough to keep track of that, twitter, tumblr, plurk... and everything in my life, too. but sometimes it's good for an emotional purge right? so here goes nothing i guess.

i'm kind of at a loss about like... what is my life about, to be honest? to be honest whenever jenna marbles sings her "what is my life aboooout what is my life aboooout" song i'm just like whoa r u me?? cause i don't know any of that either to be perfectly frank with you. like, i just got done with the tax job for like the fifth?? sixth?? year in a row, and i made more money this year than probably ever. i worked hard, but was miserable the entire time, though the misery had a lot more to do with being shafted than having to work.

because to be honest i quit rp and stuff so i could focus on my rl situation. i'd like to be a functioning adult, you know? so i'm setting about to become a functioning adult.

of course i blew all of that hard work and continue to blow it but at least there's minimal progress here. work was being done, earnings were being made even if frivolously spent upon receipt. whatever, whatever.

now i look at stuff a little more like, 'do i want that?' this hasn't been a very long thing mind you... i'm talking like a week or so at the most, but the truth is there's literally so much kpop merchandise to be had that i'm just like !! fuck must own it all!! so i attempt to that and to attempt to do that futile because the minute you have OMG ALL OF YOONA'S PHOTOCARDS AH!! guess what? there's 2 more. and the worst part is of course i want to collect the expensive people's cards like yoona, kyuhyun, yesung, leeteuk... yay. smart decision making!! (why does it seem like i'm only collecting suju lately? idek. kyuhyun obsession.)

ha. speaking of which...

i didn't talk about it much but recently i was kinda sorta in what could almost quality as a "relationship." this "relationship" was more like constant flirting and eventually exchanging awkward "i like yous" and shit like that... and honestly i felt it was genuine? we had a lot in common. he's a gamer, i'm a gamer. he's a kpop nerd, i'm a kpop nerd. we shared a lot of the same views on things. we had the same kind of humor. i was like, "whoa, someone who actually gets me!" he was caring and sweet but stern too, and of course, i did my best to always be the best listener i could be, whenever he needed it. it was nice. sounds too good to be true, right?

exactly.

i kinda forgot what it feels like to have the world come crashing down around your ears, though i was not at all thankful for the reminder. "i'm just fucking around with you," he said. "i really like someone else," he said. i couldn't believe it. i spent like ten minutes trying to comprehend it, getting increasingly more hurt and upset by the minute, and eventually... he just up and disappears. takes all of his accounts with him. says "sorry, i'll get out of your life now, i don't want to hurt you."

you did. you already fucking did.

i could handle it if he liked someone else. i could always use friends, fuck. he was a great guy and super fun to talk to, i could probably do it all day. sure, i liked him a bit, but i could be friends with him, too. but to hear that everything he'd said to me was a lie was just... crushing. how do you play with someone's emotions like that? how do you toy with a person like that? how do you live with yourself after doing that to someone? i don't understand.

i've been anguishing about it for a while, because i just don't know what to do. what can i do? where do i go? someone said "i hope it works out for you," and all i could think is... "it won't." because it won't, right? this is over. because as much as i can't hate him despite trying my damnedest to, i really resent what he's done to me. i'm ruined, right now. basically. i feel like i can't trust anyone. and i hate that, too. i feel pathetic and gross and stupid and all i want is for everything to be better, but it won't.

and then of course i caught him skulking around my blog, earlier. like he's checking up on me to make sure him okay after he broke my heart. i'm more disgusted than touched.

he's really a piece of shit, but i can't help still having feelings for that piece of shit. i should know better than that, but, i guess i just don't.

i'm not sure where i'm going with all of this, so.

y e a h...